A Rainy Day

The rain is not from the sky
It’s from the heart

The clouds I see out the window
Are troubled

Dark shadows indicate an unpredictable, unknowable nature
All the eyes,
All the science,
All the research,
The clouds get to keep to keep their mystery.
Just like my emotions retain their elusive nature

It’s all so fickle
A butterfly flaps it’s wings and a hurricance gets stronger
A partner looks sideways and a days sinks into darkness

Sunny days are around the corner
Bright fluffy clouds and impossibly blue sky
So totally hidden, unimaginable on this rainy day
A huge step of faith to know that it will return

Secrecy

Someone close to me had cancer, and she chose to keep it secret from her family.  She always gave vague, positive updates – and then she died. The loss we felt when she passed was made worse because we didn’t make time for goodbyes and felt like we missed out on our last chance for connection. 

It can be hard to admit we are failing, our body is failing, our previous decisions are failing – but keeping the pain locked inside you actually hurts those who care about you even more. 

I think if you feel the need to keep something secret – it’s a signal that you need to examine what’s going on.  It’s like your sub-conscious is yelling at you that this is a scary thought, and your response should be to deal with the fear in the best way possible.  Not stuff the fear down – it can’t be effectively buried.  Buried fear ALWAYS comes back to haunt you.

When I hear about someone hiding something – not telling your family about their health problems, sneaking out before going home after work for beers with your friends, not being honest about how sad you are – I desperately want to know why?  Why do you think that keeping things to yourself, suffering in silence, is a productive way to handle a difficult situation?  Is the fear of telling someone your problem that ominous?  Do you actually think you are saving others from feeling any pain?

I am feeling aggressive as I write this – I am thinking of other people and have a sense of perspective.  But I know I have hidden from difficult conversation many times.  There is a seductive reasoning that seems to be human nature – if we can just move past something without really facing it, maybe it will just go away.  And no amount of “being caught” seems to teach the right lesson.  It’s only by leaning into the fear, by noticing what triggers your desire to hide, and choosing to treat the potential secret with care and attention that we can learn be open.  The fear that a secret carries, vanishes when shared.  The act of bringing in a companion to your secret lessens it’s power

Brene Brown has really enlightened me on the power of sharing our secrets.  The power shame has over your actions.  “Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding, and end the silence.”

Secrecy and shame really are very close to each other.  Maybe when you feel the desire to do something in secrecy – you need to ask yourself “what am I ashamed of?”  If you can dig for where that feeling of shame is coming from, it’s probably a more accurate trigger that trying to answer “what am I scared of?”  Your fear will almost always be extrinsic – “my girlfriend will be mad at me” for example, but what you are ashamed of will be a narrative from your own mind.

pathways

All along the day,
words adjust my way.

I seek a steadfast path, guided from within.
But instead a candle flame, bending in the wind.

What is right, I ask?
Knowing there is no answer.
So many sides to the story.

Resonance is only found looking back,
I wish it was littered all over the track.

Stillness provides a small relief,
Conflict is the biggest thief.

As day winds down I look again,
For advice, reassurance, the correct lane…

– September – Oct 2020

Why is black skin different

As a Canadian moving to the US in the middle of these strange times, I feel like I have a slightly different perspective than most. And there are a few things that really jump out at me – and I keep saying to myself “why?”. This is a story about my experience with racism across 2 countries and a conclusion that I think warrants sharing.

Being brought up in rural Ontario – I was extremely sheltered from any kind racism. I literally didn’t know it existed and never considered skin colour or cultural background as an attribute that needed to be considered beyond perhaps enhancing good looks.

When I moved to BC I was absolutely shocked at the racism towards First Nations people that exists across the western provinces. Racist jokes, openly stereotyping people and anger towards a race based their history – I had never to been exposed to this kind of open hostility and disrespect. The First Nations community issues are very much in progress in BC, are extremely difficult to fully comprehend and are still “young” (there are people still alive who experienced residential schools). As I learned, the community struggles for First Nations are complex and the result is poverty and hardship for which there are no easy solutions. This is part of the systemic racism that has a lot to do with white privilege.

Then we move to the US. The first thing that really shocked us was the importance, depth and vivid depiction of US History in the education system. The kids spend a considerable amount of time learning about Slavery and Native American treaties in a very graphic way. It kind of feels like getting your nose rubbed in it. I feel like in Canada we approach a lot of these issues with a focus on reconciliation and a celebration of culture. Whereas in the US – it is very focused on owning up to the horrors of our predecessors. I’m pretty sensitive – and so are my kids – so a lot of it very hard to read, see and hear. And I spend a lot of time wondering what is the value?

Owning your history is super important. But I feel like it isn’t framed in a way to move forward, to celebrate cultural diversity or help kids recognize white privilege.

And now, with the Central Park/birdwatching incident and the George Floyd murder there is another big realization. Racism in the US against black people is different than any other kind of racism.

Most racism I have encountered is one of disrespect and stereotyping. Assuming someone is a lesser citizen because of their skin colour or cultural background. But this is where the difference lies: when a white american sees a black man – the white person feels fear. The black man is, by definition, likely a criminal and will endanger your life. You see a First Nation man, maybe you make a snyde remark; you see a Muslim man, you may think they must treat women badly… These are all terrible stereotypes – but why does a man with Black skin instantly instill fear?

I found this post on Facebook by Shola Richards and it sums up the exact sentiment I am exploring here:

Twice a day, I walk my dog Ace around my neighborhood with one, or both, of my girls. I know that doesn’t seem noteworthy, but here’s something that I must admit:

I would be scared to death to take these walks without my girls and my dog. In fact, in the four years living in my house, I have never taken a walk around my neighborhood alone (and probably never will).

Sure, some of you may read that and think that I’m being melodramatic or that I’m “playing the race card” (I still have no clue what that means), but this is my reality.

When I’m walking down the street holding my young daughter’s hand and walking my sweet fluffy dog, I’m just a loving dad and pet owner taking a break from the joylessness of crisis homeschooling.

But without them by my side, almost instantly, I morph into a threat in the eyes of some white folks. Instead of being a loving dad to two little girls, unfortunately, all that some people can see is a 6’2” athletically-built black man in a cloth mask who is walking around in a place where he doesn’t belong (even though, I’m still the same guy who just wants to take a walk through his neighborhood). It’s equal parts exhausting and depressing to feel like I can’t walk around outside alone, for fear of being targeted.

It goes on a little more – it is a public post by Shola Richards, so you should be able to find and read the rest of it, but this captures the essence of it. And it is the realization that has hit me over the past several days that I feel needs to be talked about.

Why the fear? Why is a black man instantly assumed to be a criminal? Why do white Americans save this special type of racism just for African Americans? This specific assignment of fear and criminality doesn’t apply to other races. I hear about a rise in hate crimes against Chinese people – it comes from a place of disrespect and definitely white privilege, but no one is automatically assigning each Chinese person with a label of fear and criminality.

I think the recognition of white privilege is definitely a requirement for society to grow and learn from this. But there is another piece – specific to African Americans (men, mostly) that needs to be addressed ASAP. People really need to recognize and dismantle this fear response – black skin may indicate a different culture, maybe even one you don’t appreciate, but it does NOT indicate criminality or aggression.

I Figured him Out

I want to write more, and I often jot down idea for blog posts. But after I think up something that I think is worth sharing, I often talk about it. And then after I told a few people I don’t think it is worth writing about anymore. But I have to get over that – talking about ideas is just step one, not the only step.

So who is “him”? Trump. I am interested in politics and community dynamics and globalism – all that stuff. And I also am extremely empathetic and spend a lot time trying to understand different points of view. So how does Trump work? Why is he successful?

I can’t listen to him talk at all. The words that come out of his mouth are… I can’t even describe it. But I have never for a moment thought he is stupid – just a really bad public speaker. And more recently, I have realized he is speaking to one audience (the far right) but what he actually implements don’t line up with his words at all. Listening to his words indicate one thing, but his actual results are completely different – and really quite reasonable.

And I hate to admit it – but media just eats it all up. They repeat and publicize his verbal diarrhea everyday – but his actual intentions and results, nowhere to be seen. I am no Trump fan, and while I lean towards conservative fiscal policies – I abhor the social policies of the right. But I am interested in the actual information of the policies of the current ruling party in USA – and the only place I can get that information is on conservative news sites.

I literally don’t believe or listen to a single speech clip or news headline – not even for a minute. I don’t click on the New York Times headlines about his latest Covid claim, I don’t get fired up about a rant on deploying troops on the Canadian border, I don’t even get angry when he calls someone else a nasty name. He’s baiting the media and it works – every, single, time. If I think a topic is interesting – I will look it up on a conservative news website to see what it’s actual implementation goals are (my favorite is www.nationalreview.com).

And I also think Trump will win the next election. He knows how to talk to his far-right supporters (who also have no clue what he actually implements) and he implements policies that are actually closer to center and make a lot of people happy. Business owners and fiscally conservative voters close their ears to his speeches and focus on execution. As long we continue to focus on the soundbites – we feed into Trump’s strategy perfectly and help turn media coverage of the current President into a one giant tabloid.

They Found our Cat

In July of last year – our big move started. We sold our Kamloops house, invested in a place at Sun Peaks and packed our stuff to go Seattle. Our cats were booked to go into a boarding home in Seattle for the month of August while we did some vacation travelling.

Our cats Raphael on the left, Neko on the right

And with a week to go before we move out, Raphael goes missing. They are mostly indoor cats, but Raphael does wander a field for a couple of hours occasionally. One night goes by, then another, we canvas the neighborhood, no sightings… 6 days go by and we move out of our Kamloops home because all our stuff gets shipped to Seattle. Still no cat 🙁 We all mourn him – assuming he met a coyote on the hillside. But our fabulous neighbours, who love animals, and have spent many a night looking for their own cat gone wandering – won’t give up that easily.

They ask us (!!) if they can go into our yard and keep looking for Raphael. Don swears up and down that he will find him. I am so grateful for their kindness, but have very little hope that they will be successful. The fateful day comes, when the cat “courier” is coming to take the cat(s) to Seattle before we leave the province. At 8am we get a text from Lisa with a photo “Look who we found this morning!”. It is totally our cat – but Jade and I don’t really believe it until we see him with our own two eyes. Incredible – Raphael has been missing for almost two weeks, and 2 hours before the window closes Don finds him in our backyard!? Raphael reunites with brother and off they go to Seattle!

I am eternally grateful for Don and Lisa for selfless dedication to animals – theirs and ours. I have no words. So I drew them a picture 🙂 This is a drawing of their three pets – Maggie, Chance and Marlo. Here are the in progress pictures. And I forgot to take a final photo of the finished drawing – so the framed one at the top of story – is stolen from their Facebook post.

Just sketching everyone out – Maggie’s face is hard because it’s at an unusual angle
Spend a lot of time on Maggie’s face. Trying to work left to right as a new ‘habit’
Maggie’s almost done
Now onto Chance and the pillow. For some reason Chance is much easier – and the cat, with such pure white and black was super quick. I forgot to take more photos….

Here are the photos I used – drawn as one scene.

You can see I moved Marlo over to be beside Chance.

Maddy Jade

I “can” draw just about anything – but I love drawing horses, birds and trees would probably be second. So this is Maddy Jade – a friend purchased this commission through a Horse Trials BC ( horsetrialsbc.com ) fundraiser.

Maddy Jade is extra cool because I actually considered buying her from New Stride ( newstride.com ) in 2014. It was a toss up between her, and the horse I did buy – my Dharma Queen. Here is a picture of Maddy Jade on that spring day 6 years ago:

Years later she ended up at Chase Creek Eventing ( www.chasecreekeventing.ca ) and then eventually my good friend Taylor ended up with her. She is a beautiful, sweet mare and I am so excited that she is going to have a foal in a month (eek!! cuteness overload – I’ll have to draw the foal of course!). Here is a recent photo of Maddy Jade – the one I drew:

I tried a different drawing technique this time. I have a new favorite artist – Bethany Vere ( www.bethanyvereart.co.uk) – and she does realistic drawings using pencil crayon. Bethany likes to start at one spot and slowly moves across the piece. Finishing each section as she goes. I usually do the entire piece in layers. But its messy (my hand smudges everything) and maybe not as accurate. So I developed this piece loosely following Bethany’s method. I used Pan Pastels, which are amazing, and pencil crayons. I was also very diligent taking progress photos (pat myself on the back).

And the first comment I hear – “Aren’t you going to draw the rest of the body?” The answer is no – I find people are super hard to draw and this piece isn’t about the rider. But I do need to figure out a better way of cutting it off – maybe a straight line at the waist instead of jagged. I have also seen drawings where the rider is completely left out – so where the leg appears on the saddle – that area is left completely blank, like a silhouette (I couldn’t find an example).

Stay tuned for a drawing of baby – once it’s born of course….

Pixie

An adorable dog that is a fixture at our Pony Club events, this is Pixie:

I love seeing other artists do in progress pictures – the process of creation is totally fascinating. Usually I forget to take the early photos (the drawing I am doing right now is a good example of that 🙁 ) – but in this case I paused often and have a good series for you.

I do use a grid when working with subjects that I find difficult. I don’t generally need them for horse drawings – but dogs, and especially humans, I find harder to “get right”.
The tongue is hard to get right – I kept coming back to it over and over again
Almost done – but she’s so white on a white background… I don’t like the composition of it all. But it is so scary to take a practically finished piece and then start to add a background. What if a ruin it!!??
And the finished product. I’m happy with the background – I don’t think I ruined it (sigh – relief)

As an aside – I LOVE our Pony Club – South Thompson Pony Club souththompsonponyclub.weebly.com . Pony Club is for children (and adults) who love horses and want to learn more about them. Our club is in Pritchard and leaving it to move to Seattle was one of the hardest parts of the move.

Timeraiser

This past November was the 8th (!!) Annual KTW Timeraiser – and it was the last with me at the helm. Our family move to Seattle meant I needed help making sure the KTW Timeraiser lives on, improves and becomes a real legacy for Kamloops. Spikey Mike and Jennifer O’Brien were stoked at the opportunity to be part of the Timeraiser and I am SO HAPPY to hand them the reins. They share the same passion for art and love of community that I do and I know they will make it their own and grow it with heart and a smart mind.

The event was amazing once again. I loved talking to attendees, the sponsors, the agencies and I am so honored that you think I am responsible for the success event. I am really just channel for everyone’s energy and take care of the to do list (usually at the last minute).

Make sure to continue to check out the KTW Timeraiser of Month features articles each month in the Kamloops This Week newspaper and online at www.ktwtimeraiser.ca

I love Kamloops.

The meaning of life is to create

I recently had a revelation that our purpose in life is to create.

At a basic, biological level we are driven to create life – i.e. children.  But even as we evolve and it gets more complicated, that drive to create something is much stronger than many people give credit.

For those of you who do spend time creating – be it paintings, or technology architecture solutions, or coaching – when do you feel most fulfilled?  When do you most  feel like you are contributing to life?  For me it is when I put a magnificent idea into action, or when I step back and look at a lovely drawing I created.  Those creative products make me feel like my unique being contributed something to life in a big picture way.  Art, process changes, powerful words, new life, new products – these creative outputs live on without their creator and are the summary of someone’s purpose.

There is a certain satisfaction in getting a job done.  There is a measure of happiness that comes with enjoying a vacation.  There is certainly a feeling of gratification after a great conversation, or movie.  And winning an important sports match will have you laughing and celebrating for hours.  But making something that will exist independently of you and is unique to your personality truly connects to your purpose – and you can feel it.

As someone who worked in computers in the corporate world for years – I can recall the times that I felt like I was using my gifts to create something (and that was the minority of the time).  Those times did indeed fuel my fire for long periods of time.

Now that I own my business and have ‘come out’ as an artist – I spend much more time being creative, and I can feel it.  I actually feel the urge to exercise that muscle now if I have been doing straight forward activities for too long.

I have 3 kids – so it is easy for me to say that my main purpose in this lifetime is be a great parent.  But this creative purpose is much harder to put words on – but it is so important.  You don’t need to be able to draw to be creative – you just need to be open to the massive array of thoughts that bubble up in your brain.  And honour them!

Maybe you feel an urge to write poetry once in a while?  Take a secret notebook and write.  As you become more comfortable in your words, you may share it one day.  If you are lucky enough to encounter people who resonate with your words, you will feel a joy almost as lovely as becoming a parent.  Do you always have ideas on how to do something better – at work or in the world?  Pick one idea per year to put out there.  Investigate it, see what it would take to implement, look for partners.  Imagine the feeling of accomplishment that would come with a successful implementation.

I will go a step further – it is this power of creativity that is the apex of evolution and has made humans the dominant species.  Using a round rock as a wheel or using fire to cook food wasn’t learned or instinct – it was creativity.  As long we stay with what we already know everyday, all day, we stop evolving.  And as soon as we push our own envelope, even a little bit, we start to feel our place in this life.  The more you explore your creative skills, the more energy you put towards it, the more you evolve personally, and become more connected to yourself and the planet.

There is one caveat to all this.  Creative thinking is only step one.  As a creative infant – it will be a wonderful masterpiece, but once you have mastered thinking, it is no longer really being creative and it won’t bring you much joy.  You need put it into some kind of action, some kind of commitment, you need to get it out there.  Any career graphic artist will tell you that designing within the same box over and over again stops feeling creative – even if they still produce amazing work.  Your creative muscle is strongest on the edge of your comfort zone.

Go ahead – learn the meaning of life.  It is within you.

Family, Friends, Adventure and Goals